FWD: Danger Is My Middle Name

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

Because he said ….

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over.. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly… they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

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FWD: EGGSpressions

Dan Cheeseman - dcDesignSuite:

Happy Easter 2014!

Originally posted on Stuff My Mom Forwards:

Here are some alternative egg decorating designs for you just in time for Easter! These are not your typical Easter Egg colorings! Have a “Good Friday“!
DC


Which Came First…..The Chicken or the Egg?

Who Came First?

Funny-Eggs-1

Funny-Egg-Hot TubEgg-Jumpfunny-egg-loveKISS eggsEggBasketYellow EggsSunny Flower Side UpDozen Egg ArmyFried Egg LoveRacist Eggs

Egg-Flu

Egg Hatch

I hope the Easter Bunny brings you all the candy, you’re Dentist doesn’t want you to have!
Happy Easter Weekend!

Forward this onto everyone celebrating Easter this weekend!

easter eggs

 

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FWD: Bible

The Bible in 50 Words!

God made
Adam bit

Noah arked
Abraham split
 
Joseph ruled
 B>Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
 
Pharaoh plagued
 
People walked
 
Sea divided

Tablets guided
Promise landed
 
Saul freaked
 
David peeked

Prohetswarned
Jesus born

God Walked
Love talked

Anger crucified
Hope died

Love rose
Spirit flamed
 
Word spread
 
God remained.

 

Tag – you’re it . 
Consider yourself hit by…
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____|! |____
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The Love Of GOD!
 
TAG EVERYONE YOU KNOW
 BEFORE THEY CAN TAG YOU.
TAG SOMEONE TODAY,
 
EXCEPT THE PERSON THAT HIT YOU.
 

SORRY, NO TAG BACKS!
Prayers go up, Blessings come down.

FWD: Fluctuations

Best Bank|Financial Joke

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
Just 
one lady in front of me. 
 An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.  
 It was obvious she was a little irritated. 
  
 She asked the teller,
“Why it change? 

 Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.  
 Today I only get hunat eighty? 
 Why it change?”
  
 The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
 “Fluctuations.”
  
 The Asian lady says,
“Fluc you white people too!”

FORWARD THIS TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS WHO WORK WITH MONEY!
(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2010)

FWD: Environmental Crisis

Result of Tree Shortages

Another problem caused by deforestation.

Deforestation#dogs  #markyourterritory

FORWARD  this to all those who need to mark their territory before it’s too late!

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2010)